the sinner in me
2009 Resolutions
Keep studying
Be a great boyfriend, and a good son
Be more all-rounded
Stop shrinking and start growing again
Be able to answer to myself
My Second Wind
I fear stagnation and lack of progress. I fear never reaching my potential and being average. I fear being forgotten. The past. Yesterday's news. I fear giving up and being passed by, going softly into that good night. I fear letting those I love down, letting myself down. I fear settling, giving in to the "that's just the way it is" mindset. I fear dying without leaving my mark. I fear not feeling these fears anymore and just floating along. These fears feed me, they nourish my drive.
I love my fear.
friday night was a hollering party in camp. it being the last night the fellows were sleeping together in the same bunks, some of the more rowdy ones (it's always the same bunch of people actually) planned a platoon battle course - taupok style. yeah, it's always been a tradition for them to taupok significant individuals in the course. so this time round they got a list of names down and with the lights on the entire level switched off, people waving light sticks and moving about almost like in a mob, the party began.
the fallen saint left at 7:05 pm
i know i'm pushing it a bit far when i say this, but i feel like a right bastard for not being able to understand what my grandfather is saying almost every time he talks to me. i used to be able to syphon his thoughts in the past, when i spent a lot of time with him, mostly because i stayed over at their place in the day during the weekdays. but now that i've moved out and stay at home, i've lost the familiarity with his hakka accent and can hardly catch the gist of his speech.
the fallen saint left at 1:42 am
it's not that hard to leave the place you grew up in if you know what lies ahead promises a better future. but when you return to where your life began, the wave of nostalgia and the undiminished attachment to the place, no matter how old or unfashioned it may be, is overwhelming. it's not just the sweet memories that come rushing back, but also the times of painful learning of some of life's lessons imparted in the early youth of one's childhood.
the fallen saint left at 5:07 pm
past week has seen me unsuccessful in my attempts to acquire a copy of john banville's 'the sea'. i checked with borders today and they told me they were sold out. kino didn't even carry it. well, forget popular or times.
the fallen saint left at 9:55 pm
it took a while to think of somewhere nice to go holidaying, and strangely, the three countries that came to mind were new zealand, south africa and australia. strange, because these are the three countries in the tri-nations rugby competition. how odd, but i get the impression that these places are quite intriguing.
the fallen saint left at 8:11 pm
caught up with seb today, learnt a deal about his dj-ing life and the way things are in the business. it's really quite cool, and the windows of opportunity are quite generous in rewards. good to know he's doing what he loves and doing well in it. good on yer mate!
the fallen saint left at 9:40 pm
i found myself drifting into dreamy states exceptionally often this past week. i think my brain decided it was about time to wake up and start doing some imagining. each time i sat in the office chair i would plunge into deep thought, until the old scum would rudely burst the bubble with his grumbling and grunting.
the fallen saint left at 10:24 pm
i love long bus rides. they get me started on a plethora of deverse issues that just stream through my mind, each one of them yielding a new understanding to what i thought had been grasped. when the sidewalks roll past and the people's faces turn to a blur, the world seems to fizzle out and the subconsciousness takes over. that's when my mind goes into cruise control and everything comes naturally.
the fallen saint left at 7:40 pm a part of myself has awakened of late. i am now a lot more conscious about what i wear, how i appear to others, and simultaneously becoming more selective and discerning about what fashion is. inevitably it's also led to a brand-bias, in some perverse sense. is this just part of growing up and the desire to dress well, to look attractive, and to be happy with what i see in the mirror, or am i being cluelessly sucked into the herd mentality that i've always tried to stay away from? yes i want to look fashionable, but the last thing i want is to look like the guy next to me. the objective is to look good - differently. maybe i can do it, maybe i can't. i can't be the apple of everyone's eye. right now i don't know if i am that for anyone even, but it's not like anyone would tell me even if i was.
the fallen saint left at 1:03 am
back from taiwan at last. i've been looking forward to this day since it all began. the country seems a little amusing from a less-than-keen observation that there are only a handful of motorcycles around the area which we explored during our r&r period, as though the government there provided a heavy subsidy on the purchasing of scooters. then the people don't care about smoking in air-conditioned areas. either the non-smokers don't mind dying a few years earlier from second-hand smoke, or their indoor ventilation systems are top of the line, the latter which i doubt.
the fallen saint left at 11:11 pm
Sunday, October 30, 2005
it was a thoroughly hilarious and messy affair. bodies were stacked on one another reaching up to my height even, with people jumping off beds onto the stack too. there were cola, water, camou cream, powder, mud, kiwi polish and even mopiko. and some retard broke a few light sticks and the liquid ended up on his boxers. talk about shiny jewels. oh, and one of the instructors was on the receiving end too. haha.
but come the next day whatever was worth laughing about had gone, for me at least. i had to watch the entire parade through, and deep inside of me i knew i should have been there with my mates. i could have pushed all the way to the end, eating the pain and all. but i didn't. when shaun came up to me the other day and pointed to his three stripes and said to me, 'you should have been there with us, man' i didn't really know what to feel, or how to react. i probably could have done it all with them, despite whatever the doctors said, and it feels like an insult when they become sergeants and i'm still a corporal. all i could manage in front of my friends was a weak smile as they rode past in their AFVs, in all the (false) glory. but it's over, there's no point looking back to what happened three months ago.
just glad to be finally out of this shithole.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
i'm saddened, not because i've disappointed myself and him, but because when you're old it just hurts that your grandchildren can't understand what you're trying to tell them. i've failed my part.
Saturday, October 22, 2005
when we were young
it's strange how the structures still remain as they were close to two decades ago, and some shops stay the same. you wonder how much people change over the years, as you walk past the stretch of shops and peer in one by one, half-expecting to see the faces you saw years back, and occasionally surprised to find someone new. it's curiously amazing how changes sweep over the facades of everything one can put a finger to, but behind them lie the same people we all used to know.
while you walk by these people whom you once knew so well as customers, yet they don't recall who you are anymore, it pricks that bubble of settled familiarity that lies inside of you, knowing that you've changed so much that people no longer recognise you, whereas you do others still. and maybe in your fleeting moment of uncertainty you ask yourself, have i changed that much? and am i proud of who i am, and what i've become today? i'd like to think i am. i do.
it's good to go back to one's roots every now and then, to keep you firmly in sight of how you got this far. little trips back to your childhood do keep you modest and humble, don't they?
Friday, October 21, 2005
week in review
love my new oakleys. they aren't the shout-out-loud sort, just the quiet simplicity that i think represents me pretty well. no problem with the price tag, so yeah, one more happy customer.
my pool's getting back to where i left off when i got my head shaved. the aiming's back, and the stroke's improved. can't ask for much more right now, so we'll take it step by step. now, if only capone would hurry the fuck up..
looking forward to a weekend of epl upsets and triumphs. these days, you don't ask "who won" for a chelsea fixture. the correct question would be "how much". as for the old trafford faithful, i'm sorry, but i don't think the game with lille proved anything except that you guys just haven't patched the team together. i don't think ferguson's to blame. it's just that the players are overpaid and lack a hunger to win. too much money to spend on too much lager.
chelsea vs everton.. i think the bolton match is going to look like peanuts. pack up and run, toffees.
Monday, October 17, 2005
out and away
but i don't want some package tour, where i have to sit in a coach while being whisked from place to place, particularly locations where you know commodities sell at cutthroat prices. it's not really an opportunity to explore the country. i want to move about freely, with maybe a couple of friends, and a map in my hands. a bit like backpacking, but not so much of the exaggerated baggage hanging from the shoulders. it's something like a nomadic tourist. funny thought, huh.
it'd be even better if i could drive around the countries. dream on, you'd say. maybe. but to take in the view of the vast countryside as the landscape on either side rolls by would be absolutely breathtaking, i feel. it wouldn't be the same feeling in a coach with countless others in seats across the aisle, in front and behind as well. canoeing in the white waters of cape town would probably be an experience worthy of anything.
should stop. i'd never get out of this dream if i went too far into it..
Saturday, October 15, 2005
splashing
bought myself a pair of oakleys while he got a pair of havaianas. nice "hybrid", was what i called it. it's a mix between flip-flops and sandals. unique and simple, but well worth the money paid for it.
got to go back to essential brew soon. i love the atmosphere, even though i only sat on the first level. can't wait to check out the second floor! =)
Friday, October 14, 2005
in thought
there was this thought of starting a restaurant when i retire from my own work. of course i wouldn't be cooking or serving, but probably just owning and maybe managing the place. by then i'd probably be too old for all the hard stuff. and the setting would have to be something truly special. these days, the quality of food is a given - if you don't have that to begin with, you might as well put your eatery up for sale. what i'd really gun for would be a unique location, a space that would provide anyone who walked in with a whole new experience. i've got something in mind, and if i decided to put my foot in this market i'd really splurge on it, i think. i'd want it to be something worthy of mention in international magazines. well, that's food for thought. (get it?)
then there's the whole issue on relationships again. somehow i'm more inclined to a domestic partnership instead of an official marriage. not that i just want to get laid and not be bogged down with commitment and all, if any one of you thinks i'm that sort of bastard. right now i simply cannot fathom a marriage being really happy and successful if i don't have at least a brief period of staying together with my partner. it's how i see it. that's when problems start creeping out into the open, and i put myself to the test. if i flinch, then i know i'm not up to it yet, but if i don't, it just means i'm ready for anything. you don't quite know how good you are living together until someone agrees to do the dishes or laundry, and fix that fused bulb. yes i know i'm weird and am hardly your typical guy who sees the positive things more than the negative, but i look forward to such encounters because that's what the nitty-gritty of commitment is all about. someone's got to do it, and if it doesn't get done, no one's going to be happy - for long, anyway. but i'm not all chores and no romance (at least that's what i hope). i still want to watch the sunset with that special someone from our little corner, nestled in each other's arms. and i'd delight in cooking exotic meals for her, making gifts and all that, just to know that i can put a smile on her face.
the list goes on, but i don't think i want to write too much about it. i'm aware some people do read this blog, and to spill everything out would certainly invite teasing if any of the guys ever chanced upon this place.
back to my idyllic dreaming.
Sunday, October 09, 2005
a moment of reflection
many guys would be disgruntled to be doing army now because it's taking up the best years of their lives. we are still young, and we want this last bit of freedom before surrendering ourselves to the rigidities of a 9-to-5 or maybe even longer, judging by the current flavour of the government. i admit, this is the prime of my life and yet i have to be here, being an "obedient soldier", attending to the demands of someone grossly less educated than me but who is my superior simply because he has been in the army for a couple of decades and counting. i wouldn't mind the fact that he's less academically qualified, but to be ordered around by a moron who doesn't know what on earth he wants, is an insult in the purest, quintessential form. respect is earnt, not demanded. sad to say, a lot do not deserve the respect that their rank asks of.
misgivings and grievances aside, what i had intended to write here was the mercedes commercial that played on screens a few years back. it conveyed an unconventional message that Man should begin his life backwards, that is to say, he should start life as an old man, all the way to his youth. and it is true, and trivial details aside, it probably is the best way for us to live. my case is simple: youth is wasted on the young. it is only in old age and when we experience a lack of mobility and ability to participate in many activities that we can properly appreciate what an able body and a sharp, young mind can offer. and when opportunity comes knocking, you can grab it and make the best of it. adventure beckons when we are young, and with wisdom, we can truly revel in the beauty of life. and when we are at the prime of our lives, we are at our most knowledgeable, most capable and most conscious. i wonder how different things would turn out to be if life was indeed lived this way.
i'm still waiting for the day when i can wake up and walk out into a garden to smell the morning dew, and feel the sand between my toes as the waves touch my feet in gentle trepidations. and to top it off, have a fine meal of grilled buttered lobster in the sunset by the sea.
not the high life - just a fine life. =)
transitional
met faith to talk for a while today. i know she was trying to implant some confidence in me, and i appreciate that a lot. i wish i could believe that there is someone for everyone in this world, and that one day they'll meet. somehow she understands where i'm coming from, what i'm going through, and what i yearn for to fulfil my life; it's as if she said in a minute what i've been struggling to put into words for months, maybe even years. but i'm still living a jekyll-and-hyde - i'm strong and independent, unafraid of loneliness, yet the more emotional side of me wants to be hugged, to have my hair ruffled, and to be assured that no matter what happens, someone will always be here to go through it together. it's that small kid in the darkness reaching out for a hand - it's that desire that i'm trying to suppress. because in my eyes, that is weakness, it is frailty.
and if someone could come in now and tell me not to mask that 'weakness', because ever so often, weakness is what makes a strong man endearing. what a melodrama that would be, how OC-ish or one tree hill-ish. but grown men don't expose their vulnerabilities. that's not what makes them men.
funny, isn't it? i'm turning vain.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
home sweet home
the shopping was less than mediocre - the fashion there is too jap-ish, and it's just not me. the food is not bad, but i like the variety of drinks that the stalls carry, and they've got this cheap coffee drink sold in 7-eleven that's surprisingly quite nice.
sadly, the overall experience excusing the times spent with friends walking around was quite dismal. what shocked me was how suddenly people who never used to smoke began to smoke. and these were the people whom i thought i could talk to and knew rather well. it's easy how things can suddenly change so drastically, huh. and i have to admit, sometimes i'm drawn by curiosity to these dirty fags, wondering what they taste like, and what causes others to be addicted to them. but if i knew the cause of the addiction, then i'd have been deep in the same shit as well. how true, that curiosity killed the cat.
i don't know how to see these people now. should i still respect them for who they used to be, or scorn them because of their lack of will, that they cannot resist temptation, and are so easily susceptible to things that they clearly know are hazardous to their health? i know i wouldn't be able to accept this. i'd view this submission to vice as a failure. i would never applaud a lack of courage, and a lack of determination to do what is right. of course, who am i to judge if smoking a fag is right, but i do know it is unhealthy, and sometimes that is all a person needs to make a sound decision.
all this has come round in a circle - in a nutshell, i look down on those who haven't the balls to reject the fag for their own good. to me, it doesn't matter how much money you earn, or how fast you run. if you smoke, fuck off.